“If you don’t understand Hero’s humour, go kill yourself”
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I haven’t written one of these for a while so let’s see if I can remember how to do it…
About a month ago (I meant to write this then) someone asked me if I knew what a vagankle was? I hadn’t ever heard the term and so typed the word into a search engine. I as a very sexually liberated man (interpret that as single and having access to the internet) was still surprised to see the result from the search. It turns out a vagankle is a prosthetic foot with a vagina on the top where the prosthetic leg would be if it were to have one. Whilst I was aware people have foot fetishes I was surprised at this additional feature, not because I didn’t think that people who had a foot fetish also liked vaginas but because it seemed odd to combine the two.
I’m not allowed to put porn on this domain and whilst I am unsure if this does or doesn’t count, for safety I won’t add a picture but just to ensure you are clear how weird it is; some people purchase severed feet with a vagina hole on the severed part. There are people out there who enjoy fucking hacked off feet.
One of the first images that came up was an advert for one that was for sale. ‘Slightly used, well cleaned vagankle’ read the headline. How is one only slightly used; a very tiny penis that only got a little way in? Surely it is either used or it isn’t. Also the vagankle came as a pair, in heels but only one foot had a vagina whilst the other didn’t. I am (I promise) no expert but if you have gone to the trouble of one ankle having a vagina why would you not have the other done as well? Or if that seems silly why have two at all unless you have two penises which I am assuming most men don’t?
I am just to reiterate not into feet (especially severed ones) but I do like vaginas and so this got me thinking, what if I used this concept on things I really enjoy; would it enhance the already enjoyable situation?
I am currently drinking a beer whilst typing this. What if I drank it with a vagina strapped to the top. I could then fuck the glass with beer in it… ohhhh tasty… mmm flavour… ahhhhh gawwwddd yesssss!
I have worked out how to get CM0304 working again on my computer, what if I strapped a vagina to the screen? Toledo runs down the wing ohhhhh… Toledo beats one man arrhhhhh…. He unleashes a shot to the top left hand corner yessssssss…. And it nestles in the back of the net SPLURGEEEEEEEE!!
Although it has been a while (you know to keep up the authenticity of the blog posts), it hasn’t not ever happened, so what if I strapped a vagina to a vagina? What are you doing? Just enhancing the experience, problem?
Once these are tried I then might attempt it on things I don’t particular enjoy:
Morning everybody! Hello Hero. What are you doing? Oh I am just adding a vagina to my laptop; it really enhances the spreadsheets if you fuck them.
I would also carry a spare in my pocket for when I asked the question, did you do anything exciting this weekend? Well I… Hold on a second… I would then take out the vagina and strap it on them… do continue, ohh that is interesting… oohhh yeahh really innnnteeerrressstiiinngggggg.
Finally the most annoying one of all is when people start talking about their kids and go into all the details of what happens to them knowing that I don’t have any. What happens at nursery, if they are teething, the fact it wets itself or what the latest parenting methods are to deal with adverse behaviour. Why would I be interested in any of that? If I was surely by now I would have created one myself. I don’t remember at any point when writing music telling all my friends who don’t play instruments exactly how I wrote the song, it was enough for them for me to just play it (and that was at a push). Surely if I just see them once in a while that should be enough. However maybe I have now solved this issue…
We feed her about six and then put her to bed about seven… one second, whips out vagina and attaches it to the kid… the nurse said that it’s good to feed them about 2 hours before they sleep… begins to fuck it (the vagina not the kid you sick bastard!), oh yeaahhh that is interesting, tell me more… the other day she did something really funny…. Ohhh ahhhhhh yessssss… she looked up and then fell over… ahhhhhhhh SPLURGE!
Anyone think this is a good idea? And to finish off (not like that) why is it this question and its follow up are always asked to the kid? Would you like Uncle Hero (also why am I an uncle even when I am not) to read you a story? Maybe Hero doesn’t want to read the fucking story especially as the next question is then, what would you like Uncle Hero to read? Uncle Hero doesn’t want to read Peppa Pig you little shit, how about we read this Siary entry instead!
As I said I haven’t written one of these for a while but I feel like I have maintained the usual standard. If however you have not enjoyed it for any reason may I suggest you strap a vagina to the screen and try again?!
Ps. Just as I finished writing this a live version of the Regina song ‘Uh Merica’ came on and she instructed people how to say the ‘Uh’ in the chorus a few times, if that isn’t a perfect vagong I don’t know what is!
Vagankle To The Rescue!