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There is a programme in England that probably exists in other countries (as all these things tend to end up everywhere) but just in case it’s not reached yours I’ll explain the concept of it. It’s a show called Naked Attraction and it’s a dating show with a ‘twist’. For all of history we have dated, got to know each other and then revealed our bodies. Well what if we reversed that and we saw the bodies first? Could this be a new and better way to meet a partner?

The answer is of course not but if it has viewing figures let’s keep trying it just in case. Each week there are five naked people in boxes and one main contestant. The boxes get raised from the bottom and stop above either the penis or the vagina and the main contestant will discuss what they think of the ‘action area’ and then eliminate one of them. The box then raises fully for the eliminated one and off they trot with the main contestant reacting either with a ‘thank God’ or a ‘oh no’. The rest of the boxes are then raised to reveal chests and the same thing happens. Then the faces are revealed and they can say something before another is eliminated. At this point the two contestants left step out of the boxes and the main contestant goes off, strips and comes back on naked. At this point the main person then, after all have discussed each other’s bodies, chooses which out of the two left they prefer and go on a date clothed. Finally we have a catch up thing a month later where we learn that they are probably not going to get married.

So now you have the concept let’s discuss the episode I saw yesterday where we were introduced to an older Christian lady. Like all these types of shows they have to do a ‘get to know the contestant’ segment and with this lady we were taken to her church. She told us all how being a Christian was a very important part of her life and that God inspired her and influenced her in all she did. In fact it was with God’s blessing that she had decided to apply for this show. She felt having got through breast cancer it was now time she met someone and God had led her to try and find him on Naked Attraction.

It cuts back to the studio and we are off. The presenter has a little chat and then up go the boxes and it turns out this very nice Christian lady is completely filthy. She discusses exactly what she’d like to do with these penises and it takes the presenter back. Usually they tend to say things like, ‘oh I like that shape’ or ‘I prefer hair/no hair’ but she was talking about getting the balls in her mouth, that the hair was good cushioning for her nose and so much more. Having discussed these things in detail she then eliminated one and we were on to round two which became the most bizarre thing I have ever seen on TV (at least for a while).

The lady said she’d like to play a song, sing to them and watch to see who danced the best. At this point we could see no faces and so it was just legs, penises and chests. A keyboard appeared and she began…

The Lord’s my shepherd…

If you are unsure of how the hymn goes have a listen to this but imagine it sounding a bit shitter and slightly out of tune and time.

Now that you have got the hymn in your head imagine four penises swaying to it. It blew my mind.

I’ll not want… and here I am, singing for you Jesus, whilst looking at four penises dancing.

Incredibly this is what was used to eliminate the next contestant and off they trotted. By the standards of the show the rest of it continued to be loopy. She had for instance then brought in a cake she had made with a lot of crème and suggested that she’d much rather have them eat it out of her pussy than the cake but it was nothing to the Lord is my Shepherd used as a dick dance.

At this point I want to reiterate that this was not a piss-take or a parody, this was a woman who genuinely had a deep faith, based her life around Christ and who saw no conflict with being hugely sexual and getting naked penises on TV to dance to a hymn.

And this is where I have a problem believing religion is true. This woman sincerely believed in God and what she was doing was blessed by God and yet there would be a ton of people telling me she isn’t a real Christian. True Christian’s wouldn’t do that; she does not hear God properly. And yet some Christians that criticise her are also criticised by others as they are not true Christians because they don’t adhere to some things that they do. They do not hear God properly. And then of course you have Muslims who would say they are not even following the right faith and Scientologists who would say they are not even following the right God. So who can you believe and how can everybody be hearing so clearly the voice of God that is different to the voice of God that others are hearing so clearly? Only one voice from God can be the true can’t it, otherwise he is a God that contradicts himself and who does that help?

Is there any evidence that God didn’t want penises swung to a hymn dedicated to him? And if there is, is there any evidence to prove he hasn’t changed his mind? And if we can prove that indeed God would never want dicks swinging to his hymns then how come this lady who dedicates her life to God, prays all the time and goes to church every week hasn’t been told? She listens to him all the time, isn’t a bit unfair she doesn’t know? My answer therefore seems on balance to assume that non-one’s version could realistically be true and I’ve come to that conclusion (again) based on a TV show in which people get naked for no good reason. Does Naked Attraction hold any evidence that meeting naked improves your chances of meeting the right one? Not at all, it does however through dancing penises lend evidence to the fact that God does not exist!

Now that’s out the way here is a much better version of The Lord’s My Shepherd. You might need it to remove the images of penises dancing. I’d also recommend watching some more of his stuff, he’s great.

The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways