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Camping is shit. I knew it was but to appease my sister I agreed to spend a night in a field. The reason I know it is shit is because everyone lives in houses and not tents. If tents were wonderful things then we would all be living in them, but we don’t because they’re shit.

Whenever I go on holiday I book a hotel because it is as a setup similar to a house, it makes complete sense. Going on holiday is supposed to be an enjoyable thing so why on earth would you not include the accommodation in ensuring it is enjoyable?

The only advantage I can see to camping is it is cheaper than going to a hotel but only once you have bought the tent, the car to transport it in and exclude the costs of petrol and all the stuff you need to go with the tent so in reality it’s not much of a saving unless you do it a lot which you have no desire to do because it is shit.

When we arrived at the campsite my sister pointed to the wonderful view and the view was really nice. They are the sort of views that I really enjoy on a walk in the evening on the way back to the hotel which I might have mentioned is a much more sensible form of living because it is a lot more like a house.

Once you arrive at the campsite you realise the next benefit of a hotel; it’s already there. After a long trip and feeling weary all you want to do is drop your bag down and either have a shower or flop onto the bed. With a hotel both of these things are an option about two minutes after being given your room key.

When you are camping the ‘house’ is in the back of your car in pieces and you have to put it up. This obviously takes time and once up you still haven’t finished. The hotel that you are not in has furniture provided with its existence but as the tent didn’t previously exist in the spot where you have made it, it means you then have to build the furniture. Hotel me at this point is now refreshed having showered and is relaxing on the bed watching a little TV or on the internet planning where I am going for dinner or what I am going to see that evening. Campsite me is a little different.

I have no internet and I have no TV but that isn’t really a problem as I’m still putting up the place I am supposed to be living in. Actually in this case that’s not true, I have left it to the experts and am instead entertaining the kid who likes to kick a football around. This is not as interesting as any of the things I could be doing in the hotel but as its better than building a tent and all the stuff in it I am happy doing that.

When the tent is finally up and all the stuff needed inside it are also up its time to head into town for supplies or as I managed to get agreed, a pub for a meal. Here is the next advantage of most hotels... they are already in the town where you are staying. Being in a campsite it was a bit more of a walk and whilst I don’t mind walking at all, it is a bit of a pain in the ass late at night as there are no lights in a field. Hotel corridors come with that modern addition.

Having had a warm beer or two bought from the shop as the campsite unlike the hotel didn’t have a bar, I settled down for the night and listened to the now gale-force winds hammering against the tent. It was also tipping it down with rain. This then leads to the next issue of camping, the toilet.

At about 4am, still not asleep on my bed that wasn’t nearly as comfortable as one that I’d have inside a hotel and due to the constant sound of running water on the tent walls I decided I couldn’t wait any longer, I needed to go to the toilet. This of course is not a problem in a hotel.

In a hotel, firstly I wouldn’t be awake at 4am as the bed would have been much more comfortable and therefore I would be asleep. However let’s just say for some reason I did need the loo, it would be as simple as stepping out of bed, turning on the bathroom light and having a wee. Once done, I could then turn off the bathroom light and step back into bed.

With no lighting I scrambled around the floor of the tent trying to find my clothes as I figured you shouldn’t leave the tent in just boxers. Having then found and put on my clothes in the dark I then had to with the winds battering the tent gently unzip the door to get out. I should point out I hadn’t located my coat and so getting soaked was unavoidable as I trudged off down to the toilet.

Let me point out again, the toilet in the hotel is five steps away from where your bed is and in the same place that is your own private abode. You don’t need to get dressed to go and you don’t need a torch. I wanted to remind you again because that was all I could think about as I trudged down to the toilet block that were five minutes away and guess what, nowhere near as luxurious as even the most basic hotel bathroom.

I am not sure I did get any sleep through the rest of the night and so I woke up shattered thinking at least I could have a shower to wake me up and get me feeling refreshed for the day. I then realised I wasn’t in a hotel again. ‘I’ll save myself the walk to the communal block and just smell for the day’ seemed the easier option.

Checking out in a hotel is easy, you pack your clothes and toiletries in your bag and hand the receptionist the key. Camping of course isn’t.

You’ve put your house up so when you leave you have to take it down. You want to just get going (well I did, I wanted a shower in a normal house like structure) but you can’t because you have to take everything down. It reminded me a bit of building sandcastles as a kid because they also disappear soon after you erect them though they are more fun to build because you weren’t expected to live in them.

Oh I nearly forgot, the treat of staying in many hotels; the breakfast. You walk down the stairs and eat the breakfast of your choice. It is there and ready for you. In a tent (well outside of it) of course you can cook your own but it’s less appealing having not slept and still having the house to put away. Also of course it could be raining…

I think that covers everything. If you love having no amenities, like a lack of sleep, enjoy having to do work before and after sleep deprivation and not mind having no food and drink provided for you, then I can understand why camping is for you. For me however I think I’ll stick to hotels. Camping is shit.

Camping Is Shit