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In the latest Louis Theroux documentary Louis goes back to catch up with the Westboro Baptist church for a third time. For those of you not aware of the Westboro Baptist church it’s safe to say they are not the most progressive of churches but it’s not their fault.


It’s God that hates fags, they are simply spreading his message. They celebrate dead soldiers because it’s God’s will that they were killed and they regularly criticise America because God hates America too. To spread the message they picket funerals and other places with signs that ensure you know what God hates (they really do like their placards).


Most people that have watched these documentaries think ‘wow, these people are terrible and are spreading a terrible message’ but not all and on this catch-up we meet two of those people and I want to concentrate on one.


The guy was from England and had (I’m going to guess) a YouTube channel with videos such as ‘God Hates England’. He was from a generic northern city, so let’s say Bradford and his name was as exciting as a name like Terry and as I can’t remember his actual name I’m going to go with that. I’m also going to assume his videos had about five views a pop (although it may well have gone up since he appeared on Louis’ documentary).


At this point and so people called Terry from Bradford who get five views of every YouTube video they make don’t get upset with me let me inform you all that I write this as a generically averaged named person from a generic southern city with a readership of less than five people, so I am basically insulting myself.


Terry also has a similarity with me in that he hadn’t had a girlfriend or sex for a while but whilst say if this was a game of poker my sexual dry spout had been a straight he had royally kicked my ass with a royal flush. For whilst I have been single and sexless for a while, before Terry had gone to the US he had pretty much not even talked to a lady let alone put his penis in a lady-sized hole. He had a Sahara Desert’s worth of sand in his ‘sexwich’ compared to my Bournemouth beach.


This however has now changed and I am the complete loser in the race not to be a loser. You see sexless, awkward never talked to girls Terry had gone to America, hung out with the Westboro Baptists and ended up marrying one of them and by the fact there were kids running around am going to assume had found that lady-sized hole.


Now of course there are negatives (well for a slightly more progressive fellow like myself) in that he now has to stand around with signs saying ‘God hates fags’ (that’s two negatives, one is having to stand around holding something, the other is the message on the sign) but this is balanced out by the positives:


Positive One:


Sexless never having talked to a woman Terry is now fucking.


Positive Two:


Terry who was a pathetic loser who no-one paid any attention to is now the king of his castle. You see the ‘Boro also believe the man is the head of the household and so the wives submit to their man. This was clearly shown in the documentary as the wife informed Louis that ‘Of course Terry made the decisions, he is the head of the household’. The camera then panned to Terry who looked like the least head of the house person you could imagine and yet there he was, heading the house.


So here was Terry, a sad pathetic sexless loser that had an unwatched YouTube channel in Bradford now living in the US with a good-looking wife who admired, worshipped and obeyed him and all for the price of holding up a sign once in a while that got people a little bit upset.


And here is my dilemma; one that I’m sure you realised I was coming to. I have been overtaken by Terry and the only reason is because currently I don’t hate fags and have no intention of holding up signs professing that either I or God does (not believing in God doesn’t help). However why am I so steadfast in this progressive view?


Let’s be honest if I did come to the conclusion that God exists and hates fags and therefore so do I, is it really going to change anything? Is one more person holding up a sign in middle-America going to stop the overall progression of the sensible idea of a more inclusive and accepting world? I could regress for the sake of my penis and the world wouldn’t really be affected would it?


I’ve thought about this for at least however little time it has taken to write this and realised I don’t even have to believe the above (because it’s fucking stupid obviously) but could just fake it for the sake of my penis. I could even pull sickies for most of the protesting and could avoid the shouting at me by people who wouldn’t know I was faking it. In return I would get regular sex and a wife that wouldn’t come with any issues (aside from the fag hating thing but I’d keep her off that subject as seeing as I was the head of the household could suggest it’s a subject that was not suitable for a lady to discuss in front of her husband as she should be busying herself looking after me) and would come with the added positives of a clean house and dinner on the table every day at seven that I’d not have to contribute to at all in any way. What exactly is the downside?


I mean it really is a sensible idea isn’t it? I’m off to the US in September to see Metallica play with the San Francisco symphony orchestra but I have a free week beforehand. Why don’t I go and pick myself up a wife in that week? There’s another bonus too as as I’ve always found ladies with long hair attractive, none of them seem to be allowed short hair so I’d have a multitude of ladies to choose from.


Now before you start to think I am an arrogant pig to think I could just take my pick from the ladies as though I was some Lothario that any woman would fall at the feet of, remember one of them has already chosen Terry; a Terry whom I haven’t even begun to describe his patheticness to its full extent and yet have already called him a pathetic sexless loser who nobody paid any attention to (and just remember if you think I am being too harsh he has joined a church that pickets dead people’s funerals and holds up signs saying ‘God hates fags’). I would be a (without an allegation of rape) Ronaldo compared to his Peter Beardsley of the fag-hating world. I’d be the man!


The only other disadvantage I could think of is some (all) of my friends and family would be more than a little disappointed in my ‘slight’ change of views but this would only be a minor hiccup as as they are all so progressive and nice they’d ‘hate my new views but not me’. Because they are lovely they would probably still talk to me, get to know my wife and presuming I had kids (I would be less opposed in this situation as of course it’s the woman’s job to do all the looking after them with my new found beliefs that my wife would agree with) could not help but love them for the sake of saving them from my asshole views.

 

Last month I wrote a piece about how we could immediately get world peace and absolutely no-one commented on it, praised it or even contemplated the brilliance of the idea and if even that can’t get noticed then I’m obviously wasting my time. I’ve written on this site for ten years and two people read it when they can be bothered. It’s time therefore that I realised I am Terry and start to respect the needs of my penis. It’s time to end the blog (I’ve got three months to ween myself off it) and head to the ‘Boro. It’s time for me to stop trying to be nice (it’s got me nowhere) and look after myself. So with that having been decided let me end this (whole site) by saying ‘God bless Ameri… (oh shit not America, or fags (note I have used the term fags throughout this piece so I can get used to not using the progressive term ‘homosexual’)) I mean me and screw all of you fag-enabling heathens’. Enjoy hell! I’m off to fuck myself to heaven! Bye!

Ten Years Done And I'm Off