Block 06 Block 06

Words | Sounds | Lists | Visuals

Home | Hero Fallen | Fallen Heroes | Support | Contributors | Friends

Facebook Youtube Twitter Return To Top

How to Look Like a Genius on National Television

I can help you look like a genius on national television. It’s a very simple trick but I am guaranteeing you a 99% success rate. Firstly you need to apply and get on a non-intellectual quiz show. Intellectual quiz shows range from University Challenge and Only Connect through to Pointless. Basically apply for something on ITV that isn’t The Chase.

Once you are on the show and are offered to select a category always choose literature. This will immediately impress the audience and those at home as hardly anyone reads anymore; Wow I would have gone for celebrity culture myself, or TV. Once you have selected your category allow the host to begin:

Host: You have picked literature, are you ready for the question?

You: Is the answer Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone?

Host: Oh my goodness, that is amazing, we’ve never seen that before, that is the correct answer.

At this point you can do whatever you think people who are geniuses do or say and be that person on every Facebook meme that got the question right on television before they even knew what the question was.

What actually happened of course is you knew from reading this that there is only one possible answer because only one book apparently has ever been written. The only way you can be tripped up is if the question turns out to be ‘Who is the author of the Harry Potter books?’ or ‘What is the name of the main character in the books written by J.K. Rowling?’ It’s a risk worth taking though as I think they think by asking for the title of the first book it is a step up in difficulty from who wrote it and might make the programme seem more intellectual.

I haven’t read or watched any Harry Potter as I’ve never really got excited by fantasy novels on the whole but it really doesn’t matter, there is no research needed as like with celebrity culture you can name a Kardashian just because the world mentions them all the time. However just in case you want to make sure and in case there is a follow up question, Google Harry Potter and learn two other character names as the answer is bound to be Hermione Granger or whatever the ginger kid is called (I have not applied for any quiz shows so haven’t bothered to learn it).

The literature round used to be mildly harder:

Host: Are you ready for your literature question?

You: Is the answer Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone?

Host: I can’t recall the reading about bondage and sadomasochism but maybe J.K has written a special book for adults (audience laughs), the correct answer is 50 Shades of Grey.

However people seem to have realised that it either wasn’t a great book or tried getting spanked by their partner, didn’t like it and returned to not getting spanked in their once a month ‘we had better have sex to keep the relationship not feeling like a chore, even though having sex once a month feels like a chore’, chore. Either way that book is now out of the non-intellectual quiz show literature question options so you are pretty safe with assuming Philosopher’s Stone as opposed to Philosopher’s Bone (a pun bad enough that it was probably used by a quiz show host when someone answered Potter instead of Grey) is the correct answer.

As to what will eventually replace Philosopher’s Stone as the correct answer to the literature question once Harry Potter fades I have no idea. It seems that although everyone hates J.K. Rowling on Twitter because she gives tons of money to charity, no that’s not right, has a view on gender, it hasn’t reached the non-intellectual quiz show world yet or more likely, the non-intellectual quiz show world has not had time to try another book.