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Why It’s Best Not To Kill People

For all you guys wanting to kill your wives (and we’ve all wanted to at some point right guys? (actually I’ve never been married so have no idea, just throwing in a random bit of middle-aged ‘men down the pub’ chat for no reason)), and having now watched a ton of YouTube videos from JCS - Criminal Psychology and That Chapter here is some observations and a handy tip.

The handy tip is if you do want to kill your wife or your husband, your best friend, your children or whoever it may be don’t do it. One it’s not a very nice thing to do but on a more selfish note, if the ‘it not being a nice thing to do’ isn’t enough then remember there is a good chance you’ll get caught and who wants to spend the rest of their life in prison? Now let’s go the observations.

If you report that your partner has gone missing you are going to be the chief suspect. Even if you had ‘gone fishing that day definitely’ it isn’t going to be enough to dissuade the cops that you aren’t the main suspect. It is important to think before you do kill the person whether you are sure you really want to go to prison (for a very long time), because there is a high chance you will.

This brings us nicely onto the many cases where one person in the relationship is having an affair and wants their other half out of the picture so they can start their new life. At this juncture they seem to be presented with two options, they can leave their partner or they can kill their partner and pretend that they’ve gone fishing for the day alone. At this point I would strongly recommend going for the leaving your partner option as that way you can start your new life with your new partner. With the second option you will permanently remove the problem but, and this is the kicker, will present yourself with an entirely new problem, prison! It is a new start but it isn’t the one you wanted. Your new partner also might not hang around.

If you happen to be that new partner by the way and they offer you the chance to help them kill their current partner I would suggest that you don’t help and even go as far as being really unhelpful and call the police. You see, what happens if you do help your lover kill their partner is not happily ever after but go directly to jail. Also let’s just say you do get away with it all, their ex is dead and you are now happily living together, what happens if they start to fancy someone else? Well you know (and may have already used) the drill.

Those that have children and are leaving their partner tend to fall into two camps, those that want to keep the children and those that don’t. Here again they are presented with two options. For those that don’t want to keep the children they could just leave the relationship with the downside being paying child maintenance that I imagine can seem like a burden. However weighing this up against option two, killing them and your partner, it might be better to spend eighteen years giving your ex some money for the children as the other option is the rest of your life in prison. Yes I know you have fishing rods in the garage but it isn’t going to be enough.

For those that want to keep the children but are worried that they won’t get the custody rights if they go to court the option to kill your partner may seem more appealing. I mean after all how can they award the rights to a person who is dead? The problem is if they suspect you might have been the one that killed them (and they will) you won’t get the custody either, rather you will be taken into custody (Editor note: That custody/custody has to be worth something). All those dreams of taking your kids fishing will remain dreams, only now you will be dreaming them from prison.

Whilst small I have to admit that there is a chance that you might just get away with it and end up with custody. You might, just might be living the idyllic situation where you, your new partner and your kids are all living together and you were never caught. This is an idyllic life where your children are definitely not fucked up because their mummy disappeared 20 years ago and was never found.

For most the thought of killing someone is enough to make them not want to kill someone. The thought of causing others pain, is enough not to do it and just the selfish desire not to be in prison forever is surely a factor. For others the desire to kill is just too much and hence these YouTube channels exist. The YouTube channels that should help if you are going to kill someone to not repeat these very dumb mistakes.

Stupid Mistake 01 – Recording Stuff

I am a man who likes spreadsheets and writing about things as you well know. However if you are intent on killing someone, writing about it, recording the events or the desire to do said events and worst of all taking pictures after you have done said events is not a very good idea. It’s giving the police evidence without them having to do any work. I wouldn’t think you’d want to help them unless you actually did desire to go to prison.

Stupid Mistake 02 – Buying All The Stuff You Need To Kill And Dispose Of A Body Right Before You Do It

Most shops have cameras and can evidence what you have bought. If you walk into a shop and buy a ton of stuff to kill someone and the next day someone close to you goes missing you are going to end up being the chief suspect. You will have more chance of getting away with it by leaving your corpse in your garden and telling your neighbours that they are simply asleep than you will if you completely dispose of the body perfectly having just bought all the ingredients the day before in a Walmart.

Stupid Mistake 03 – Mobile Phones

They are really bad unless you truly did go fishing. They can pinpoint your location to the place where you killed the person and also to where you buried the person. Also saying I ‘guttted the fish’ in a text to your new lover won’t be enough of a code for the police not to get. Not only would I recommend getting rid of your mobile but I would also suggest doing it before the day before you do your killing. It’s a bit like the shop mistake, it might look suspicious

Stupid Mistake 04 – Google (or other search engines)

It might seem like a really good idea to google how to dispose of a body if you want to dispose of a body. I often use Google to hunt for an Excel formula I need, or to find a nice place to eat in a new town and it works a treat. However if Excel formulas became illegal or eating in new towns did I would be in the shit because the cops could discover all the times I had searched for those formulas and food options. As disposing of a body is illegal that’s what the cops do, they search your laptop, find those searches and then use them against you… whoops.

Stupid Mistake 05 – Telling Someone About It

I have always said if you want to keep something a secret don’t tell anyone about it. I know if I tell a friend they are bound to tell their partner and I am no better, you tell me something I am bound to tell someone. Therefore if you kill someone it is even more imperative you don’t tell someone about it no matter how much you think you trust that someone. On these shows there have been many examples where the killer has said ‘you are not wired are you?’ to their friend/partner only to discover that when the said person said ‘no’ they were lying and the conversations are played back to them in court, that then follows with a very long time in prison.

Stupid Mistake 06 – God/Aliens/Second Coming/Lizard People/Demons/Etc.

If you believe you are the second coming, God has told you to kill people, you are an alien, other people are aliens or lizards or possessed with demons or anything else bat-shit crazy take a moment to assess whether you might be wrong. It turns out everyone before you was and even if you are right wouldn’t you much rather be right and not in prison? No matter what powers you have for being God or an alien it seems it isn’t enough to get you out of prison (as shown by previous bat-shit cray people), so don’t do it.

Stupid Mistake 07 – Thinking Sending A Text From The Dead Person’s Phone Will Resolve People’s Curiosities About Their Whereabouts

It seems in many of these cases the killer thinks sending a ‘I have decided to quit work and go travelling and won’t be working my notice’ from the victims phone will be enough to end the matter. ‘Hey parents, just off to Thailand, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine’. In every case it isn’t. The only way to make it work is to constantly update the concerned people with the phone only you can’t talk to them so you have to rely on just texting and avoid the police pinging the phone as that will be where you are and not where the pretend-not-a-victim isn’t.

Even if you avoid all these stupid mistakes there is the bigger problem that you can still easily get caught. Cleaning every spec of blood, removing all DNA, disposing completely of a body and then providing an alibi for yourself is extremely hard work. It would be much simpler just to leave the relationship if you don’t want to be in it, or if it’s a relationship that you want to be in but the other person doesn’t to just accept that it isn’t meant to be and find someone else (and not murder them). That is another weird thought process… I want to be with them but they don’t want to be with me, so how can I resolve this? I know, kill them!

The saddest part in a lot of these videos is the abused and battered wives. I am not sure what advise I can give them. Obviously I wouldn’t recommend staying in the relationship as you are being battered but also if you leave you might very well end up dead. In a few of the episodes the lady concerned would warn people that if anything happened it would be their ex and then something did happen and it was their ex.

Overall though what these shows have shown me is that you just don’t know who could be a potential killer other than it is most likely someone you already know. The safest way to survive is to immediately leave you partner, don’t make any friends and never talk to family members again.

I will end by saying that I don’t remember many of my dreams but I do remember one I had a couple of days ago where I woke up in a panic because I had accidentally killed someone and didn’t know what to do because I both felt immense guilt but also didn’t fancy prison for the rest of my life. When I realised that I hadn’t killed anyone as it was just a dream I resolved to continue the rest of my life without killing anyone because not going to prison or being a terrible person seems like a much better way to live. I recommend the same for you all.